It seems no matter what age you are, you will feel like a child the second you have disappointed your mother. I felt this recently. My very catholic mother is mourning my choice not to have my eldest partake in the ceremony of the first holy communion. I felt like the sky was going to part and I would actually be blasted by lightening. She was mortified and crushed in one millisecond.
We don’t practice. I thought it to be really hypocritical of us to just join in when we celebrate our spirituality differently. Aside from funerals and weddings (not mine – was city hall, another devastation. I was five months pregnant. Huge sins, wasn’t repenting), I haven’t been to church in about fifteen years.
Once upon a time Sundays consisted of early morning mass. That evolved into my sister and I pretending to go on Saturday’s at 5pm while in our teens once I was licensed to drive . Our thinking – cover ourselves off. We’d pull up to the church, she’d run inside and grab the bulletin so we had evidence of at least being at the church…. and head around the corner and spend the next hour smoking cigarettes in that park’s parking lot.
I’ve just never really been back. I didn’t feel very spiritual there. I’ve found a new way to connect to my spirituality that has changed the way I experience my faith.
Hopefully I’m not screwing it all up. Like many other times and through many other choices…it’s a crap shoot. You just hope it all works out alright.
I’ll find out…. one day!!