Thursday November 6th, 2014

Yesterday morning, totally out of the blue, I learned a friend had passed away. Just like that, by email. I really can’t expect the news to come any other way as I work on a virtual team and this was a colleague who became my friend. Today, it feels cold. It feels like in the midst of everything else that is business as usual there lay a notice that my friend has died. A few moments after that email came in, so did others all just about business as usual.

Today as I sit here I still can’t stop crying. I am so sad that my friend, who I worked with one on one for months, didn’t hear from me once we stopped working side by side because I was caught up in my business as usual. He sent me emails asking how I was and when we could talk. I would email replies and promise to call but that call, it never happened. I would push it off telling myself I would call him tomorrow but I didn’t. Something would come up, I’d be tired after a long day of sessions and I didn’t pick up the phone. I wish so much that I picked up the phone!!!

He’s not the only one I haven’t called. I can count on both hands the volume of people I said I would call or see, and I haven’t. I am so tired, so run down I am neglecting this important part of my life. But what do I do? I. am. so . tired. The kids always need something…in fact in twenty minutes I have to go collect my youngest to take her to her doctor’s appointment. I will then rush back and finish my work and then take the kids to their lessons. Then there is dinner and showers and homework and then I’m shot. This is my everyday. I love how involved I am and the time I spend with my kids and yet, I’m sobbing just writing this.

I wish I had called my friend.

I am struggling to find within myself a sense of peace around this. I am struggling with how removed I am from my friends.  I don’t remember ever feeling like this before and I don’t remember not being able to pull it all off. Superwoman doesn’t exist and I don’t know why we tell ourselves we can do it all, we really cannot. Something will always have to give…and it has to be okay…I will find a way to make it okay but for right now in this moment I just needed a space to say I am so sorry I haven’t called….

 

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