A FODMAP friendly request….

It’s been a while since I last published anything here. I have been writing, however, I’ve been keeping my stories private. A little while ago I started to think about the others who were in my stories and I wondered….would they approve of what I am writing? Long story short, after much thought I realized I didn’t want to ask them. I’m writing my perspective, so in lieu of having to be thoughtful and what not I just don’t publish. Today, however, I am writing all about me and so no permission required.

Where to begin….

I feel like I should start with a disclaimer as I am impaired. As a result of my Thanksgiving indulgence I had to pop a pain killer this morning. Scalloped potatoes and cherry pie. Not eaten on the same day, I dare not. Stupidly consumed one day apart and although each were heavenly they both have blown out my bum. Diverticular disease + IBS = don’t eat that shit but it calls to me…sometimes loudly. Following the FODMAP way of eating is not yet equating to eating FUN food. I’m working on it but it is challenging to eat with or to visit family while being so restricted. It’s not like once-upon-a-time wherein if I strayed from my food routine it meant only extra calories (well likely – there was a lot of diversity within my fitness regiment food wise so if I was “Cheating” it was probably some delicious creamy pasta or such). Now straying from the plan means illness and disruption. It’s annoying. Food is becoming my kryptonite.

I’m hoping to connect with others who are following the FODMAP diet to manage their diseases and/or conditions. If you have a blog or are following a great blog or such with FODMAP recipes, would you mind posting a link to the site below in the comments??

I’m hoping by whining out loud (hey it works for my kids after a while lol) I’ll come up with a few new dishes I don’t mind eating alongside others eating scalloped potatoes and cherry pie. It’s a long shot I know, but, one day I may actually learn from my experiences and just stop eating these delicious demonic temptations. I expect my kids to learn from their mistakes, one day soon I will apply that methodology to myself. Yep, one day soon.changeahead

Thanks for any sites you can recommend! I appreciate it.

Be well,

Cheers,

Nicole

A Swift conversion…

I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it has. I’ve become a Swiftie. She had me with Shake it Off and then, well she went and topped herself. I find myself cranking “blank space” and belting out the tune even and especially when I’m alone in the car, that’s how I know I am indeed converted. Once upon a time I could say it was as the kiddos were in the car and requesting that the volume be raised. I’d sing along pretending it was just because they liked it.  Now, it’s all me. I love this song! The thoughts that stir up as I listen….holy moly batman.

It’s like the anthem of most crazy 20 something females. Oh sure we thought we were pure awesomesauce but in reality, totally insane! I was completely nuts. When I look back wearing my forty-year old lens I think “what a train wreck”! Weekend get-a-ways in Mexico thanks to a friend with a great perks working for the airline, parties that started Friday and ended Sunday, drugs, booze, sex and pure mental madness. I was in great company, we all thought alike, acted alike and went mad alike. Enablers allow each other to reach new extremes. We were all game and could have cared less what anyone else thought. It was our journey, why place limits on where it could take you? Thankfully this was pre-upload-images-for-every-step-taken days.  We lived in the dark ages where twelve or twenty-four pictures were the limit thereby making them sacred and taken only in “special” moments. Thank goodness for those times, can you imagine what it would be like to see images online of your insane / completely whacko self all these years later? Escaped that pile of evidence, phew!

Most of my “relationships” were based on pure madness. Impulsive moments that would never have otherwise happened if I saw myself differently. I feel like I lived an alternate reality, but nope, that was me. I loved to laugh and was desperate for love. The combination made me insane and fearless.

When I hear the chorus of Swiftie’s tune I think wow, this would have been my anthem lol. I distinctly remember the days of cranking athem-ish tunes like these on my bad-ass cassette deck in my Honda Civic hatch back….

I’ve taken a liking to this lady. The video – most entertaining ….Tell me, has she won you over too?

taylor_swift_blank_space_

You have Cancer, maybe, nope …what?….!

Sometimes it feels like there are no words to describe how something went down, but then as I sit here there are so many words competing to make it to this page.  Regardless of all of the intelligent possible openers the only way to start is to say Holy Shit Batman, that was a f’n emotional ride!!!

To make the back story as minimal as possible I will cut right to the chase. For just about twenty years now I have had digestive issues. I call it “tap ass syndrome” <<warning – some may find the following gross>> meaning the liquid shyte comes out as fast as water from a tap.  Medical folks call it IBS.  I have had multiple colonoscopies, endoscopies, CT scans and ultra sounds over the years. I’ve taken foods out and brought others in.  Gone on meds, off meds. Still the same result – tap ass.  It makes face to face business encounters and social eating events stressful at times but for the most part I’ve learned to manage my issue. That said, sometimes it gets in the way of everything.  Be it cramps or shooting pains or bloating like I am nearing my third trimester there are times I become, as my mum would say, utterly useless… Two weeks ago I was in agony. I could feel my insides aching and every now and then it got so intense the feeling shot down my right leg.  I woke up the Friday morning and knew something was wrong and I took myself to the urgent care centre nearby.

There are times I could complain about an emergency room encounter, however, this was not one of them. Within three hours I had been assessed, blood and urine tests completed and had a CT scan.  It was amazing. That would have taken me about half a year to acquire via my family doctor. As an example, I saw my family doctor in July and she referred me to another gastro specialist. My appointment is December 18th….

After the CT scan, however, felt like forever. You haven’t changed in the way you feel but now you don’t get to lie down. You are sitting there on a hard chair against a wall (near the clean linen rack) rammed beside others also waiting on their findings.  Usually when you are waiting in the ER they just blurt your results out for all to hear (sometimes you feel like a dumb-ass like when they tell you its just a sprain vs a break or to put polysporin on it… ) In this case, I was called away to get my results. That doesn’t happen. I also wasn’t the next in what would be the sequence we went in. Up to that point everyone pretty much got them in order of who had gone in for their scan. I was about six people away from what should have been my turn when he called me to join him down the hall.  He spoke so softly saying they found something serious. I needed to have further exploration and so I would be hearing within a day from a gastro specialist who would perform a colonoscopy immediately.  I remember staring at his glasses and listening to him say something about how I am too young for colon cancer but it was important it be addressed right away…. He then shuffled me back to where I’d just been sitting to wait for paperwork.

I felt like everyone was staring at me. They weren’t , they were inside their own heads wondering what he could have said to me, what that could mean for their results. I know my face would have revealed what I was feeling. I was shocked.  Forty has meant cancer for people I care about. Some of them are not here anymore after dying horrible cancer deaths and so using that word just as I turned forty meant it could be real…  and of all cancers it had to be my ass. If you knew some of my relatives you would know that even if it were terminal, there would be ass jokes….it’s one of they many things I love about them.

CT Scan Results

CT Scan Results

Fast forward a few days and I had my colonoscopy. I was awake this time. Not my favorite – I prefer completely unconscious with no view of my colon. One, you can feel it. Two, you can see it. I watched my colon on the screen. I think she said twenty five feet were viewed but I was on drugs, it’s a blur. Why they share so much with you when you are whacked out watching your freakishly long colon is beyond me.

Long story short – diverticulosos perhaps? I have inflammation, spasms and another label but NOT cancer. NO CANCER. Who cares about the rest? For days this was what was wearing me down…what if… what then? Everything else is manageable.

So what then does this really all mean? A wonderful woman said to me this morning that “digestive issues reflect one’s inability to digest something in their life right now.”  She knows me well.  It’s so true.

I’ve been thinking about this for days. I’ve been given this gift of time to heal right now and I’m focusing on more than just my gut.  I am making significant changes in my life.

Basically, I am claiming back my life.

I’ve spent the last few years working towards several goals and I achieved all of them. I also opened and small coaching practice which I run in addition to my full time position. I have been fortunate to connect with some amazing clients. The past few days I realized how much I have enjoyed this, and, that I do not want to continue. Although it is very rewarding work I want those hours back in my personal life. I work early mornings or evenings with my clients and although it has benefited my career, my finances, my ability to provide for my family – I’m closing my “office” doors.  I am fortunate that I love what I do by day and I am able to use all of my learning/development.  It’s either or and so I’m choosing to put the pause button on this one and to shift my time.

I want to play more. I want to take more half days off, take the kids out of school and go play together.  I want to go on more of their school trips and not feel guilty about what I’ve left behind for a day at work. It’s one day. It’s time to end all of the little stories I tell myself about why I just can’t…. yes…. I can.

I want to make the time to create the foods I need to nurture and heal myself. It’s easy to do when I am not working, it’s hard to do when I am. I want to create a better balance. Tying into this, I also need to give myself more credit for what I do accomplish. I am a driven person and I always see potential to grow / maximize / enhance.  We rarely eat anything from a box or can or picked up/out….we make fresh meals three times a day.  I have to remember to be kind to myself about what I am achieving versus the one thing I did not. Negative self talk leads to an angry ass – completely avoidable by choosing another way. I do not have to put this kind of pressure on myself.

I need to pause and ask myself if the action I am taking is one of self – love or not.  In every sense. Money cannot buy this time back. Yes it can buy awesome things like Jamaica trips and a new pool in the backyard BUT I’ve been pushing myself this way for three years and clearly my ass cannot handle it. Your body will always reveal the truth about how it has been cared for.  The key is to create a platform that, in every sense, creates a balanced life.

Sitting here now with days between all that happened what amazes me is what came to mind when I was worried about having to deal with something that could compromise my life. We are constantly reminded, sometimes a little more bluntly than other times, of all we have in our lives. When we forget or let things get in the way the universe reminds us. I’ve clearly not been paying attention and so this time it took more of a screaming effort vs a gentle nudge. It’s up to me to make this lesson stick…this one is worth it.

Be well.

N.

40. t-minus 4 months to go….

What I am about to say may horrify the male reader. IF you need to believe your woman will never grow chin hairs or experience funky biological changes, turn away now. N.O.W. This is a bitch fest venting post about turning forty and depending on what you need to believe, you may or may not want to read on….

And now he’s saying “whaaaa?” What the hell is this woman crabbing about? Apparently, today, EvErYtHiNg. somethign else I am discovering. Having your monthly does mean turning psycho. Something new, something unfamiliar, something common amoungst the ladies I know turning 40….

What is up with this? Suddenly in one moment I am happy, laughing away at the humorous side of life. The next, fire balls are shooting out of my eyeballs followed by a blast of hot air that is my opinion on everything unfolding in that moment. I feel how ridiculous I am but i will NOT accept defeat in that moment. Fire, spew of hot air, smoke in thy face – you shall feel my wrath and shut it~!!! W.T.F??? Who am i? Who is this dragon bursting out of me every 21-28 days?

I cannot even pretend it’s all fire balls. Sometimes it’s tears. Tears over EvErYtHiNg. A commercial, The Voice, A news piece… I go from one extreme to the other. What’s worse, it’s always at “my time of the month”. Once upon a time my husband joked “all chicks are crazy”. I hate I am proving his hyposthesis correct…but apparently it is correct. The more people I talk to the more I realize we are all changing, stressed, somewhat insane and hilarious all at the same time. How do we stand one another in this time of change?

Mother Nature does play fair. She shoots random hairs out of random places of people’s body as they age but it’s BOTH sexes that undergoe funkiness..many just choose to only acknowledge the ladies. I say F that!!! Let’s play with the men the same way. I call you on your random ear hair, go ahead and call me on my chin ! I see moobs and random back hairs that match new mustaches and changes in the way our bodies look. 

When I weight this against some of what was at 20 I think you know, this isn’t so bad. Try to remember how insane you were at twenty… would you really want to go back?

I may be insane a few days of the month (which I will deny admitting to as my husband does nothing online 😉   ) but overall, this is a pretty amazing time in life. There’s no second guessing anything now. It’s more of a F you if you don’t agree and I’ve already moved on m’ther f’er (said in a Samual Jackson kind of tone) attidude that is ruling the beginning of this next chapter in my life. That never would have happened twenty years ago. I went from lost to found.

How about you?
Image

 

I had aunts with hairy moles that freaked me out as a child. My fear, karma is shooting random chin hairs out now for my previous  judgements….

Where did that Irie feeling go mon?

I admit it. I’m writing this hiding in my office praying for ten minutes to de-spaz.  Just a few days ago I was calm, relaxed, totally irie mon. Now, I’m shooting fire out my nostrils and forcing myself to stop and breathe. This is how busy life was before I left and it seemed okay, what’s up with the short fuse now?

My mother in law ran away when we returned from the airport. A few quick updates, you know – oops crashed the van, some issues at school and my youngest turned out to be wilder than previously imagined and then “okay see you!”, she was out. I somehow managed not to froth or be upset in any way, I understand what she was juggling at the age of almost 74. I am 39 and I get tired and want to run ha ha! Besides, I don’t like the van and am now hoping it’s close enough to total the thing. C’mon new car!

This week, albeit two days in only, has me firing off fireballs over everything. Un-eaten lunches, toilets with gifts left quite some time prior, toothpaste gobs in the sink – all have me smoking. It’s like I was never irie at all mon, which has me completely pissed off!

OH MY LORD…all the Lords actually, someone swoop in and paint me a different picture. I don’t like all this work right now. What was I thinking? I also received confirmation I am registered for the early date to attempt certification for a program I am a candidate within and it’s eight weeks away. HAVEN’T TOUCHED the material. For some reason I thought unicorns and rainbows would be waiting for me when I returned from the turning 40/overdue honeymoon/ ten years together as a couple retreat. The signals got crossed, I can’t find a unicorn and there’s no sun to make any rainbows. Where is the Caribbean Sea? What happened to the steel drums? White sand???
unicorns

Maybe that’s why I am pissy – seven days of sun followed by two days of darkness and freezingness ( even the tank less hot water tank froze – WTH?) has me pissy and blowing smoke.

Whatever it is, whatever the cause my timing is (ahem as per usual when I think these thoughts) off. I had thought I’d quit wine for a while post booze-indulgent vacation. So not going to happen, in fact I should probably stop writing and go fire my hubby a “LCBO” text. He knows what that code means……

Anyone else suffering post vacation blues / reality is sucking / where oh where is the sun blues?

Jamaica mon, one love.

It finally happened. Almost nine years later, we went on our honeymoon. It took forever to get here and then in a blink of an eye BLAM – it was over.  Just to make sure I knew it was indeed over Mother Nature blew extra cold air all over my somewhat tanned (I am one who is blessed with super pale skin that goes red, light brown and immediately back to ultra white) face and smacked reality back into me! It worked – message received.

It’s funny how time changes perspectives on honeymoons.  Throughout our time at the Riu in Ocho Rios we witnessed a few beach side weddings. We looked at couples with their lovey eyes and big smiles as they started this next chapter in their lives. We imagined what they would be thinking – possibly “what will their lives be like” together and what not. We know now what is and so there isn’t that magical feeling of what could be, it’s more like we took this time to look at what has happened. Holy cow it’s almost nine years of marriage and ten years together as a couple. It’s amazing how much happens without you really stopping to acknowledge all of it! And so that’s kind of what happened. We had a chance to pause and look at all that has happened and see how it has shaped us as a couple.

I know Dave is amazing. I knew this long before we boarded the plane. We have had several ups and downs and always come out together. From the loss of our baby girl Marie to the celebration of three live births as parents we have experienced so much. We’ve renovated a house doing much of the work ourselves and in many ways worked to build the life we have now, together.  Knowing this and how we act together to help each other I know we will take on all that remains yet to come as a team.

I also know that we need to do more of this, taking breaks and pausing to see and celebrate all that we have accomplished together. You don’t need a beach get away to do this, you just need to create the space and time. We haven’t been doing this enough. The beach was a great place to just empty our brains, delete all responsibilities and just have fun together. We did just that. Swimming, snorkelling, laughing, lots and lots of pina colada “do nothing” moments lounging alongside the beautiful waters…. It was in a word, Irie. Ok two words, it was “Irie mon”.
Image
Image

It’s time to start putting nickels in the piggy bank and seeing how fast they can add up to another escape. Next time the kiddos will be with us, which is how it is and it will be fun. It’s just not light and carefree – if you travel with kids you too know this reality!! For now, our one escape as grown ups free in this world has come to an end. The memories, however, will definitely last forever.

Would I visit Jamaica again? Absolutely.  It is a little piece of heaven on earth……

One love mon,

Reeeespect.

 

Holy Cow Batman…

It’s been a while! The notice of the renewal receipt came in and I thought when was the last time I wrote in there? Apparently last June. Crazy.

That pretty much sums life lately – CrAzY.  All the liars who said going from two kids to three was no big deal – not nice! Not nice to mislead innocent people who have no idea how their world will shift.  It was okay when the youngest didn’t move much. Now – she’s into everything. She’s fearless and tireless, which exhausts me. Combine that with two older kiddos who are creating lives for themselves and there is a lot less downtime. Truthfully, when it does present itself, it’s immediately met with a bottle of wine.

Image

It’s like a mini celebration every day that I survived at wine time. I pulled it off and no one was harmed in the process. If they were it means after fixing said situation, extra wine that night for getting a gold star in mommy duty. I’m noticing a shift in how this chapter in my life is being experienced. To summarize it – le pooped!

My hubby and I sit side by side on the couch, in front of a fire, staring like zombies at the TV (which sometimes includes stories about zombies).  Sometimes we play scrabble or cards, but that can hurt the brain sometimes. By the time we’ve managed to sit down we are fried. Exhausted. I don’t even know why he’s so tired, I did almost everything! (I can see his eyes rolling right now ha ha)There’s always one spouse in the relationship who, for lack of more polished words, gets the shaft in the home front duties. The hubby works 13-14 hour days. Sure that’s long and hard and blah blah. I cram an 8.5 hour day into 5 hours so that I can pick up the kids from school – tend to them and my work. I then make dinner, do homework, bathe them, practice piano, spaz on them for not eating their lunch, spaz a few more times over fighting/not listening/goofing around at dinner after you were cooking for an hour… you know what I am talking about if you have kids. It’s when all of the hairy stuff between getting home from school and relaxing in one’s own room before bedtime is achieved that he comes home. It’s all rainbows and unicorns then. He has no idea why my hair is as big as Diana Rosses and why I have smoke wafting out of my ears. 

It’s the insanity of being a working parent. I have moments I love. They make everything else worth while but in the meantime, I am so pleased to have been reminded I have a space to just release this shit out and be free! I feel so much lighter already and I really didn’t talk about anything….

There are certain things in your life you can’t put words to in terms of explaining how it makes you feel. There’s always been something about writing for me…regardless of the subject or cause or purpose. Random words on a page still had purpose, even if only to me.

With a big smile on my face I’m going to flip into reading mode. There are some incredible talented people sharing some of themselves via their written word. I’m looking forward to seeing what it is they had to say…it’s been way too long.

What are some of the blogs you are enjoying following right now?

 

To froth or not to froth….a day can make a difference.

So it turns out, I’m not my mother, my period just showed up early. It’s got attitude lately. I’m too young for menopause ( or am I? Is that what random chin hairs indicates?)…right? 

I don’t know that I like where my cycle is taking me lately (and right about now the male audience is tuning out / clicking elsewhere), and I know I am not alone. My girlfriends are also acting crazy. Sometimes what makes me feel better about myself is them sharing how insane they have been. I can use that material to remind my  husband he is fortunate to have me….

My husband, for years now, has been saying “chicks are crazy”. His three elder sisters have forever changed how he sees the entire female population. The thing is, myself included here, the examples he has to work with are proving his hypothesis to be correct…..

There is a great book: Consciously Female How to Listen to Your Body and Your Soul For a Healthier Lifetime of Living.  A lot of what it shares in there has changed how I experience myself and my cycle. That said, there are times where your animal side comes out and LOOK OUT WORLD!

This includes going from completely insane ranting lunatic, to being unable to speak due to uncontrollable sobbing. That came last night…..
The upside? Today – I feel AWESOME. So light, care free. I just had to lose my shit for a day and VOILA – the world is rainbows and fairies again. 

Image

 

I was very well behaved this morning.  There were moments where sparks started to generate within, like when; my son pulled out the Father’s Day present we’ve been secretly working on for about a week now and showed him, or my daughter snapping that she has nothing to wear followed by my youngest, whom is potty training, taking a dump in her underpants…….I kept it together. I took a deep breath and noted…it’s just twelve hours to go until wine……………………

Wishing you a day full of rainbows and fairies…and a great big glass o’wine 🙂

Mark this day….

Well, this is it. It has happened. I have officially morphed into my mother. I heard myself this morning. Spazing, frothing at the mouth. My nostrils were so flared I could have sucked all three kids up while inhaling so as to have enough air to re-release.  I heard this sound coming firing out of my mouth that was exactly what my mother used to sound like when she was freaking out in the kitchen many moons ago.

I had a f’n meltdown over absolutely nothing in the kitchen this morning. I think someone whined or I stepped on Lego. I cannot remember which was first. By the end of moment, all three kids were crying and my husband was apologizing to them for my behavior. I think I might be burnt out….but not sure if the signs are totally clear yet. 

Image

 

Okay so it was not totally over nothing. The thing is sometimes if you reveal your whole truth in that moment you could completely devastate the other person.  There are situations that arise that sometimes mean shit is going to happen and even though you said it was okay, in the end, it’s a boat load more than you acknowledged it would be.

My husband is working insane hours. My kids just started their summer sports. I literally am dragging young mostly unco-operative arses everywhere Monday through Thursday. Friday, I refuse. I crack beer early and refuse to take anyone anywhere for any reason. My husband is on any bday party duty that may arise, I’m checkin’ out. I know my husband is stressed and burnt out as well, but, my pressure valve cracked this morning and now, well…it’s out there! 

How do people do this and not lose their shit or become raging alcoholics? Seriously, this is insane.  I am a very organized person. I can multi task like a bad ass.  I admit I sacrifice things that matter to me when the timing gets tight. Sometimes twenty minutes hiding in a corner with a cup of hot coffee is worth not doing laundry even though I know it will lead to someone crying that they have nothing to wear the next morning….

I will have to do some damage control after work today. Mum is going to have to eat some crow and confess to being human vs super human.  Maybe it will inspire them to pick up their Lego….it’s definitely inspired me to stop and pick up a “good” bottle of wine tonight. I’m on ass kissing duty now…..lol. Nine years of marriage this summer. I think a totally over done meltdown is in order every now and then! Only for me of course, he has to keep his shit together……………………………………….or start doing laundry. 

 

 

A big fat sinner?

It seems no matter what age you are, you will feel like a child the second you have disappointed your mother.  I felt this recently.  My very catholic mother is mourning my choice not to have my eldest partake in the ceremony of the first holy communion. I felt like the sky was going to part and I would actually be blasted by lightening. She was mortified and crushed in one millisecond. 

We don’t practice. I thought it to be really hypocritical of us to just join in when we celebrate our spirituality differently.  Aside from funerals and weddings (not mine – was city hall, another devastation. I was five months pregnant. Huge sins, wasn’t repenting), I haven’t been to church in about fifteen years. 

Once upon a time Sundays consisted of early morning mass. That evolved into my sister and I pretending to go on Saturday’s at 5pm while in our teens once I was licensed to drive . Our thinking – cover ourselves off. We’d pull up to the church, she’d run inside and grab the bulletin so we had evidence of at least being at the church…. and head around the corner and spend the next hour smoking cigarettes in that park’s parking lot. 

I’ve just never really been back.  I didn’t feel very spiritual there. I’ve found a new way to connect to my spirituality that has changed the way I experience my faith. 

Hopefully I’m not screwing it all up. Like many other times and through many other choices…it’s a crap shoot. You just hope it all works out alright. 

I’ll find out…. one day!! 

Image

Courtesy of Google

%d bloggers like this: