A Swift conversion…

I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it has. I’ve become a Swiftie. She had me with Shake it Off and then, well she went and topped herself. I find myself cranking “blank space” and belting out the tune even and especially when I’m alone in the car, that’s how I know I am indeed converted. Once upon a time I could say it was as the kiddos were in the car and requesting that the volume be raised. I’d sing along pretending it was just because they liked it.  Now, it’s all me. I love this song! The thoughts that stir up as I listen….holy moly batman.

It’s like the anthem of most crazy 20 something females. Oh sure we thought we were pure awesomesauce but in reality, totally insane! I was completely nuts. When I look back wearing my forty-year old lens I think “what a train wreck”! Weekend get-a-ways in Mexico thanks to a friend with a great perks working for the airline, parties that started Friday and ended Sunday, drugs, booze, sex and pure mental madness. I was in great company, we all thought alike, acted alike and went mad alike. Enablers allow each other to reach new extremes. We were all game and could have cared less what anyone else thought. It was our journey, why place limits on where it could take you? Thankfully this was pre-upload-images-for-every-step-taken days.  We lived in the dark ages where twelve or twenty-four pictures were the limit thereby making them sacred and taken only in “special” moments. Thank goodness for those times, can you imagine what it would be like to see images online of your insane / completely whacko self all these years later? Escaped that pile of evidence, phew!

Most of my “relationships” were based on pure madness. Impulsive moments that would never have otherwise happened if I saw myself differently. I feel like I lived an alternate reality, but nope, that was me. I loved to laugh and was desperate for love. The combination made me insane and fearless.

When I hear the chorus of Swiftie’s tune I think wow, this would have been my anthem lol. I distinctly remember the days of cranking athem-ish tunes like these on my bad-ass cassette deck in my Honda Civic hatch back….

I’ve taken a liking to this lady. The video – most entertaining ….Tell me, has she won you over too?

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40. t-minus 4 months to go….

What I am about to say may horrify the male reader. IF you need to believe your woman will never grow chin hairs or experience funky biological changes, turn away now. N.O.W. This is a bitch fest venting post about turning forty and depending on what you need to believe, you may or may not want to read on….

And now he’s saying “whaaaa?” What the hell is this woman crabbing about? Apparently, today, EvErYtHiNg. somethign else I am discovering. Having your monthly does mean turning psycho. Something new, something unfamiliar, something common amoungst the ladies I know turning 40….

What is up with this? Suddenly in one moment I am happy, laughing away at the humorous side of life. The next, fire balls are shooting out of my eyeballs followed by a blast of hot air that is my opinion on everything unfolding in that moment. I feel how ridiculous I am but i will NOT accept defeat in that moment. Fire, spew of hot air, smoke in thy face – you shall feel my wrath and shut it~!!! W.T.F??? Who am i? Who is this dragon bursting out of me every 21-28 days?

I cannot even pretend it’s all fire balls. Sometimes it’s tears. Tears over EvErYtHiNg. A commercial, The Voice, A news piece… I go from one extreme to the other. What’s worse, it’s always at “my time of the month”. Once upon a time my husband joked “all chicks are crazy”. I hate I am proving his hyposthesis correct…but apparently it is correct. The more people I talk to the more I realize we are all changing, stressed, somewhat insane and hilarious all at the same time. How do we stand one another in this time of change?

Mother Nature does play fair. She shoots random hairs out of random places of people’s body as they age but it’s BOTH sexes that undergoe funkiness..many just choose to only acknowledge the ladies. I say F that!!! Let’s play with the men the same way. I call you on your random ear hair, go ahead and call me on my chin ! I see moobs and random back hairs that match new mustaches and changes in the way our bodies look. 

When I weight this against some of what was at 20 I think you know, this isn’t so bad. Try to remember how insane you were at twenty… would you really want to go back?

I may be insane a few days of the month (which I will deny admitting to as my husband does nothing online 😉   ) but overall, this is a pretty amazing time in life. There’s no second guessing anything now. It’s more of a F you if you don’t agree and I’ve already moved on m’ther f’er (said in a Samual Jackson kind of tone) attidude that is ruling the beginning of this next chapter in my life. That never would have happened twenty years ago. I went from lost to found.

How about you?
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I had aunts with hairy moles that freaked me out as a child. My fear, karma is shooting random chin hairs out now for my previous  judgements….

Where did that Irie feeling go mon?

I admit it. I’m writing this hiding in my office praying for ten minutes to de-spaz.  Just a few days ago I was calm, relaxed, totally irie mon. Now, I’m shooting fire out my nostrils and forcing myself to stop and breathe. This is how busy life was before I left and it seemed okay, what’s up with the short fuse now?

My mother in law ran away when we returned from the airport. A few quick updates, you know – oops crashed the van, some issues at school and my youngest turned out to be wilder than previously imagined and then “okay see you!”, she was out. I somehow managed not to froth or be upset in any way, I understand what she was juggling at the age of almost 74. I am 39 and I get tired and want to run ha ha! Besides, I don’t like the van and am now hoping it’s close enough to total the thing. C’mon new car!

This week, albeit two days in only, has me firing off fireballs over everything. Un-eaten lunches, toilets with gifts left quite some time prior, toothpaste gobs in the sink – all have me smoking. It’s like I was never irie at all mon, which has me completely pissed off!

OH MY LORD…all the Lords actually, someone swoop in and paint me a different picture. I don’t like all this work right now. What was I thinking? I also received confirmation I am registered for the early date to attempt certification for a program I am a candidate within and it’s eight weeks away. HAVEN’T TOUCHED the material. For some reason I thought unicorns and rainbows would be waiting for me when I returned from the turning 40/overdue honeymoon/ ten years together as a couple retreat. The signals got crossed, I can’t find a unicorn and there’s no sun to make any rainbows. Where is the Caribbean Sea? What happened to the steel drums? White sand???
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Maybe that’s why I am pissy – seven days of sun followed by two days of darkness and freezingness ( even the tank less hot water tank froze – WTH?) has me pissy and blowing smoke.

Whatever it is, whatever the cause my timing is (ahem as per usual when I think these thoughts) off. I had thought I’d quit wine for a while post booze-indulgent vacation. So not going to happen, in fact I should probably stop writing and go fire my hubby a “LCBO” text. He knows what that code means……

Anyone else suffering post vacation blues / reality is sucking / where oh where is the sun blues?

Holy Cow Batman…

It’s been a while! The notice of the renewal receipt came in and I thought when was the last time I wrote in there? Apparently last June. Crazy.

That pretty much sums life lately – CrAzY.  All the liars who said going from two kids to three was no big deal – not nice! Not nice to mislead innocent people who have no idea how their world will shift.  It was okay when the youngest didn’t move much. Now – she’s into everything. She’s fearless and tireless, which exhausts me. Combine that with two older kiddos who are creating lives for themselves and there is a lot less downtime. Truthfully, when it does present itself, it’s immediately met with a bottle of wine.

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It’s like a mini celebration every day that I survived at wine time. I pulled it off and no one was harmed in the process. If they were it means after fixing said situation, extra wine that night for getting a gold star in mommy duty. I’m noticing a shift in how this chapter in my life is being experienced. To summarize it – le pooped!

My hubby and I sit side by side on the couch, in front of a fire, staring like zombies at the TV (which sometimes includes stories about zombies).  Sometimes we play scrabble or cards, but that can hurt the brain sometimes. By the time we’ve managed to sit down we are fried. Exhausted. I don’t even know why he’s so tired, I did almost everything! (I can see his eyes rolling right now ha ha)There’s always one spouse in the relationship who, for lack of more polished words, gets the shaft in the home front duties. The hubby works 13-14 hour days. Sure that’s long and hard and blah blah. I cram an 8.5 hour day into 5 hours so that I can pick up the kids from school – tend to them and my work. I then make dinner, do homework, bathe them, practice piano, spaz on them for not eating their lunch, spaz a few more times over fighting/not listening/goofing around at dinner after you were cooking for an hour… you know what I am talking about if you have kids. It’s when all of the hairy stuff between getting home from school and relaxing in one’s own room before bedtime is achieved that he comes home. It’s all rainbows and unicorns then. He has no idea why my hair is as big as Diana Rosses and why I have smoke wafting out of my ears. 

It’s the insanity of being a working parent. I have moments I love. They make everything else worth while but in the meantime, I am so pleased to have been reminded I have a space to just release this shit out and be free! I feel so much lighter already and I really didn’t talk about anything….

There are certain things in your life you can’t put words to in terms of explaining how it makes you feel. There’s always been something about writing for me…regardless of the subject or cause or purpose. Random words on a page still had purpose, even if only to me.

With a big smile on my face I’m going to flip into reading mode. There are some incredible talented people sharing some of themselves via their written word. I’m looking forward to seeing what it is they had to say…it’s been way too long.

What are some of the blogs you are enjoying following right now?

 

To froth or not to froth….a day can make a difference.

So it turns out, I’m not my mother, my period just showed up early. It’s got attitude lately. I’m too young for menopause ( or am I? Is that what random chin hairs indicates?)…right? 

I don’t know that I like where my cycle is taking me lately (and right about now the male audience is tuning out / clicking elsewhere), and I know I am not alone. My girlfriends are also acting crazy. Sometimes what makes me feel better about myself is them sharing how insane they have been. I can use that material to remind my  husband he is fortunate to have me….

My husband, for years now, has been saying “chicks are crazy”. His three elder sisters have forever changed how he sees the entire female population. The thing is, myself included here, the examples he has to work with are proving his hypothesis to be correct…..

There is a great book: Consciously Female How to Listen to Your Body and Your Soul For a Healthier Lifetime of Living.  A lot of what it shares in there has changed how I experience myself and my cycle. That said, there are times where your animal side comes out and LOOK OUT WORLD!

This includes going from completely insane ranting lunatic, to being unable to speak due to uncontrollable sobbing. That came last night…..
The upside? Today – I feel AWESOME. So light, care free. I just had to lose my shit for a day and VOILA – the world is rainbows and fairies again. 

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I was very well behaved this morning.  There were moments where sparks started to generate within, like when; my son pulled out the Father’s Day present we’ve been secretly working on for about a week now and showed him, or my daughter snapping that she has nothing to wear followed by my youngest, whom is potty training, taking a dump in her underpants…….I kept it together. I took a deep breath and noted…it’s just twelve hours to go until wine……………………

Wishing you a day full of rainbows and fairies…and a great big glass o’wine 🙂

Mark this day….

Well, this is it. It has happened. I have officially morphed into my mother. I heard myself this morning. Spazing, frothing at the mouth. My nostrils were so flared I could have sucked all three kids up while inhaling so as to have enough air to re-release.  I heard this sound coming firing out of my mouth that was exactly what my mother used to sound like when she was freaking out in the kitchen many moons ago.

I had a f’n meltdown over absolutely nothing in the kitchen this morning. I think someone whined or I stepped on Lego. I cannot remember which was first. By the end of moment, all three kids were crying and my husband was apologizing to them for my behavior. I think I might be burnt out….but not sure if the signs are totally clear yet. 

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Okay so it was not totally over nothing. The thing is sometimes if you reveal your whole truth in that moment you could completely devastate the other person.  There are situations that arise that sometimes mean shit is going to happen and even though you said it was okay, in the end, it’s a boat load more than you acknowledged it would be.

My husband is working insane hours. My kids just started their summer sports. I literally am dragging young mostly unco-operative arses everywhere Monday through Thursday. Friday, I refuse. I crack beer early and refuse to take anyone anywhere for any reason. My husband is on any bday party duty that may arise, I’m checkin’ out. I know my husband is stressed and burnt out as well, but, my pressure valve cracked this morning and now, well…it’s out there! 

How do people do this and not lose their shit or become raging alcoholics? Seriously, this is insane.  I am a very organized person. I can multi task like a bad ass.  I admit I sacrifice things that matter to me when the timing gets tight. Sometimes twenty minutes hiding in a corner with a cup of hot coffee is worth not doing laundry even though I know it will lead to someone crying that they have nothing to wear the next morning….

I will have to do some damage control after work today. Mum is going to have to eat some crow and confess to being human vs super human.  Maybe it will inspire them to pick up their Lego….it’s definitely inspired me to stop and pick up a “good” bottle of wine tonight. I’m on ass kissing duty now…..lol. Nine years of marriage this summer. I think a totally over done meltdown is in order every now and then! Only for me of course, he has to keep his shit together……………………………………….or start doing laundry. 

 

 

A big fat sinner?

It seems no matter what age you are, you will feel like a child the second you have disappointed your mother.  I felt this recently.  My very catholic mother is mourning my choice not to have my eldest partake in the ceremony of the first holy communion. I felt like the sky was going to part and I would actually be blasted by lightening. She was mortified and crushed in one millisecond. 

We don’t practice. I thought it to be really hypocritical of us to just join in when we celebrate our spirituality differently.  Aside from funerals and weddings (not mine – was city hall, another devastation. I was five months pregnant. Huge sins, wasn’t repenting), I haven’t been to church in about fifteen years. 

Once upon a time Sundays consisted of early morning mass. That evolved into my sister and I pretending to go on Saturday’s at 5pm while in our teens once I was licensed to drive . Our thinking – cover ourselves off. We’d pull up to the church, she’d run inside and grab the bulletin so we had evidence of at least being at the church…. and head around the corner and spend the next hour smoking cigarettes in that park’s parking lot. 

I’ve just never really been back.  I didn’t feel very spiritual there. I’ve found a new way to connect to my spirituality that has changed the way I experience my faith. 

Hopefully I’m not screwing it all up. Like many other times and through many other choices…it’s a crap shoot. You just hope it all works out alright. 

I’ll find out…. one day!! 

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Courtesy of Google

I did it, and the world didn’t end!

Who knew I could do it. I went a whole day without texting, logging on or such. The world didn’t end, no tragedies unfolded,  and…the kiddos were so happy to be with me! Holy ego boosting, I should have put my phone down a while ago.  It’s amazing how positive the kids are when they realize the whole focus is on them vs shared with gizmo’s and gadgets galore. 

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courtesy of google

We all have them, those friends who you get together with who never put their phone away. It may have taken weeks to dedicate time to get together and there they are, texting away to others while your live ass is right in front of them. I cannot stand it. I find it to be so rude and inconsiderate, especially when I’ve dragged myself out (when really I just wanted to pop the big bra off and get in my jammies!).  

What I didn’t realize was how often I’ve been like that around my kiddos. My hubby will text me, my friends and while I am making dinner or whatever I’m reading and replying with my live little monkeys around me. What message am I sending them?

My folks, their folks, my friends and cousins (same age or older-the younger ones would “die” if they did this apparently) all survived without being this connected. We were ok with waiting for letters to take a week to get to each other and feverishly wrote back excited about the reply that would come in a few weeks. Who knew what could unfold in that gap? Well now, there is no gap. If someone farts they have a status update about it….you know what’s going down in almost real time. 

I’m keeping screen-less Sundays (my hubby is still dealing with his addiction and cannot fully commit at this time LOL). IF people want to reach me, they have to use that old fashioned land line OR get in their car and come see me. It ‘s a crazy wild idea, I know…but I’m liking it….

Has anyone else taken this plunge?  What did you realize?

 

Wishing you a wonderful Monday,

Cheers!

Nicole  

 

To be online or not to be online….

I’ve been struggling with the volume of screen time I’ve been taking as of late. I have actually caught myself ignoring live  beings to read a few news headlines or status updates. It’s so rude, I don’t tolerate it of others and yet this is exactly what I’ve been doing. Not all the time, but I caught myself today in lieu of playing with my kiddos responding to a non-urgent or relevant text. It was just joking around with a friend and I think I should have picked up the phone to chat live vs just fired off an awesomely witty one liner ( i was quite creative if I do say so myself ha ha).  I am constantly talking about being present, committing to the people in front of you. There were my kiddos waiting for me…and I was texting.

Ultimate hypocrite, that’s my deserved title.

That said, I am working on it! Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve promised my kiddos, spouse and self that there will be no cell phones, no emails, no anything electronic. We may have a family wii battle – but that’s about it.  We have sunny skies with warm weather in the forecast, there is no reason to be indoors or online.

So why am I so freaked about being offline?

I tell my clients to log off and go play, I’m overdue in consistently taking my own advice.

GOPLAY

How much time do you commit to being offline / week?

Vino…..

I was standing in the school yard the other morning yapping with a friend whose children attend the same school.  Somehow or another we got talking wine.

It makes me smile when I think of how many conversations I’ve had lately wherein wine came up. We start off talking like we are modest consumers…and then somehow a few minutes later we are both confessing to multiple bottle experiences on multiple occasions per week. 

I’ve lied to every Doctor I have about the volume of vino I consume. When I confess to 7-10 glasses per week they are mortified and review how women absorb and react to alcohol differently than men and thus I am to proceed with extreme caution. Yet regardless of the warnings and/or my bodies own physical revolt to my behavior…it continues. I really, really enjoy it.

I work by day and many times night (coaching practice is growing YAY), parent by evening and then once the lunches are made, kiddos are asleep, toys tidied, laundry folded (and maybe on a really, really good day put away the same day)…I plop my butt on the couch. Directly beside me, my partner in crime AKA my husband. He is a custom cabinet maker by day and usually is unable to even take ten minutes as a break or space to himself upon arrival home. He’s the victim of absence. I work from home. They see me. He works at the shop….they miss him. He walks in the door and BLAM….like flies on flypaper.  For me it is absolutely awesome and I count down the minutes until he arrives. I smile, ask about his day and know full well I will likely never hear the full response as the kids are already attacking him.  It’s our little routine and it completely works for me….the calm before the dinner storm. 

Some days the wine opens at five. Oh who am I kidding, most days there’s wine at 5.  That’s when I am preparing dinner with three children hanging off me….picking at what I am preparing. Some days openly whining while I prepare it about their displeasure with my selection or a want for something I don’t have in the house. Like Salmon. I really dislike fish.  I can’t cook it. The smell puts me right over the edge and then I can’t eat it. It has to be BBQ’d to keep the cooking of fish smell out of the house….. 

I know some will be reading this thinking OMG She is a total alcoholic. By their standards I guess I am. What makes me feel better about it is that I’m totally not alone. I’m really quite normal by comparison to those around me. They are good people!! So am I…. besides…when I use my big goblets…it’s just a glass a day…….

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via Google

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