A Swift conversion…

I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it has. I’ve become a Swiftie. She had me with Shake it Off and then, well she went and topped herself. I find myself cranking “blank space” and belting out the tune even and especially when I’m alone in the car, that’s how I know I am indeed converted. Once upon a time I could say it was as the kiddos were in the car and requesting that the volume be raised. I’d sing along pretending it was just because they liked it.  Now, it’s all me. I love this song! The thoughts that stir up as I listen….holy moly batman.

It’s like the anthem of most crazy 20 something females. Oh sure we thought we were pure awesomesauce but in reality, totally insane! I was completely nuts. When I look back wearing my forty-year old lens I think “what a train wreck”! Weekend get-a-ways in Mexico thanks to a friend with a great perks working for the airline, parties that started Friday and ended Sunday, drugs, booze, sex and pure mental madness. I was in great company, we all thought alike, acted alike and went mad alike. Enablers allow each other to reach new extremes. We were all game and could have cared less what anyone else thought. It was our journey, why place limits on where it could take you? Thankfully this was pre-upload-images-for-every-step-taken days.  We lived in the dark ages where twelve or twenty-four pictures were the limit thereby making them sacred and taken only in “special” moments. Thank goodness for those times, can you imagine what it would be like to see images online of your insane / completely whacko self all these years later? Escaped that pile of evidence, phew!

Most of my “relationships” were based on pure madness. Impulsive moments that would never have otherwise happened if I saw myself differently. I feel like I lived an alternate reality, but nope, that was me. I loved to laugh and was desperate for love. The combination made me insane and fearless.

When I hear the chorus of Swiftie’s tune I think wow, this would have been my anthem lol. I distinctly remember the days of cranking athem-ish tunes like these on my bad-ass cassette deck in my Honda Civic hatch back….

I’ve taken a liking to this lady. The video – most entertaining ….Tell me, has she won you over too?

taylor_swift_blank_space_

40. t-minus 4 months to go….

What I am about to say may horrify the male reader. IF you need to believe your woman will never grow chin hairs or experience funky biological changes, turn away now. N.O.W. This is a bitch fest venting post about turning forty and depending on what you need to believe, you may or may not want to read on….

And now he’s saying “whaaaa?” What the hell is this woman crabbing about? Apparently, today, EvErYtHiNg. somethign else I am discovering. Having your monthly does mean turning psycho. Something new, something unfamiliar, something common amoungst the ladies I know turning 40….

What is up with this? Suddenly in one moment I am happy, laughing away at the humorous side of life. The next, fire balls are shooting out of my eyeballs followed by a blast of hot air that is my opinion on everything unfolding in that moment. I feel how ridiculous I am but i will NOT accept defeat in that moment. Fire, spew of hot air, smoke in thy face – you shall feel my wrath and shut it~!!! W.T.F??? Who am i? Who is this dragon bursting out of me every 21-28 days?

I cannot even pretend it’s all fire balls. Sometimes it’s tears. Tears over EvErYtHiNg. A commercial, The Voice, A news piece… I go from one extreme to the other. What’s worse, it’s always at “my time of the month”. Once upon a time my husband joked “all chicks are crazy”. I hate I am proving his hyposthesis correct…but apparently it is correct. The more people I talk to the more I realize we are all changing, stressed, somewhat insane and hilarious all at the same time. How do we stand one another in this time of change?

Mother Nature does play fair. She shoots random hairs out of random places of people’s body as they age but it’s BOTH sexes that undergoe funkiness..many just choose to only acknowledge the ladies. I say F that!!! Let’s play with the men the same way. I call you on your random ear hair, go ahead and call me on my chin ! I see moobs and random back hairs that match new mustaches and changes in the way our bodies look. 

When I weight this against some of what was at 20 I think you know, this isn’t so bad. Try to remember how insane you were at twenty… would you really want to go back?

I may be insane a few days of the month (which I will deny admitting to as my husband does nothing online 😉   ) but overall, this is a pretty amazing time in life. There’s no second guessing anything now. It’s more of a F you if you don’t agree and I’ve already moved on m’ther f’er (said in a Samual Jackson kind of tone) attidude that is ruling the beginning of this next chapter in my life. That never would have happened twenty years ago. I went from lost to found.

How about you?
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I had aunts with hairy moles that freaked me out as a child. My fear, karma is shooting random chin hairs out now for my previous  judgements….

Where did that Irie feeling go mon?

I admit it. I’m writing this hiding in my office praying for ten minutes to de-spaz.  Just a few days ago I was calm, relaxed, totally irie mon. Now, I’m shooting fire out my nostrils and forcing myself to stop and breathe. This is how busy life was before I left and it seemed okay, what’s up with the short fuse now?

My mother in law ran away when we returned from the airport. A few quick updates, you know – oops crashed the van, some issues at school and my youngest turned out to be wilder than previously imagined and then “okay see you!”, she was out. I somehow managed not to froth or be upset in any way, I understand what she was juggling at the age of almost 74. I am 39 and I get tired and want to run ha ha! Besides, I don’t like the van and am now hoping it’s close enough to total the thing. C’mon new car!

This week, albeit two days in only, has me firing off fireballs over everything. Un-eaten lunches, toilets with gifts left quite some time prior, toothpaste gobs in the sink – all have me smoking. It’s like I was never irie at all mon, which has me completely pissed off!

OH MY LORD…all the Lords actually, someone swoop in and paint me a different picture. I don’t like all this work right now. What was I thinking? I also received confirmation I am registered for the early date to attempt certification for a program I am a candidate within and it’s eight weeks away. HAVEN’T TOUCHED the material. For some reason I thought unicorns and rainbows would be waiting for me when I returned from the turning 40/overdue honeymoon/ ten years together as a couple retreat. The signals got crossed, I can’t find a unicorn and there’s no sun to make any rainbows. Where is the Caribbean Sea? What happened to the steel drums? White sand???
unicorns

Maybe that’s why I am pissy – seven days of sun followed by two days of darkness and freezingness ( even the tank less hot water tank froze – WTH?) has me pissy and blowing smoke.

Whatever it is, whatever the cause my timing is (ahem as per usual when I think these thoughts) off. I had thought I’d quit wine for a while post booze-indulgent vacation. So not going to happen, in fact I should probably stop writing and go fire my hubby a “LCBO” text. He knows what that code means……

Anyone else suffering post vacation blues / reality is sucking / where oh where is the sun blues?

To be online or not to be online….

I’ve been struggling with the volume of screen time I’ve been taking as of late. I have actually caught myself ignoring live  beings to read a few news headlines or status updates. It’s so rude, I don’t tolerate it of others and yet this is exactly what I’ve been doing. Not all the time, but I caught myself today in lieu of playing with my kiddos responding to a non-urgent or relevant text. It was just joking around with a friend and I think I should have picked up the phone to chat live vs just fired off an awesomely witty one liner ( i was quite creative if I do say so myself ha ha).  I am constantly talking about being present, committing to the people in front of you. There were my kiddos waiting for me…and I was texting.

Ultimate hypocrite, that’s my deserved title.

That said, I am working on it! Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve promised my kiddos, spouse and self that there will be no cell phones, no emails, no anything electronic. We may have a family wii battle – but that’s about it.  We have sunny skies with warm weather in the forecast, there is no reason to be indoors or online.

So why am I so freaked about being offline?

I tell my clients to log off and go play, I’m overdue in consistently taking my own advice.

GOPLAY

How much time do you commit to being offline / week?

2012

When I sit here and think about last year, what an adventure!

It started off amazingly. We took our first ever family vacation to Disney in Florida. Awesome.

Shortly after we returned we discovered my hubby has cancer. Skin cancer. The same as his father who passed away from cancer.  Not so awesome.

My colicky baby finally stopped screaming – THANK THE LORD – ALL LORDS!

I returned to work post mat leave – semi awesome depending on what’s happening. I miss being at home focused on only the kiddos.

I began and completed my courses for coaching.

I opened my practice and began certifying myself as a coach.

I discovered something about myself. I’ve been struggling with what it is I wanted out of my workouts/my physical self. I’ve previously always had specific image related/strength related goals. I can sculp myself into what I choose, but the results weren’t coming. My effort inconsistent  I realized it isn’t really my goal anymore. I don’t care about that, I see through it. I recognize the behavior and mindsets within myself that are damaging. Not just to me, but to my children, society at large. I am participating in something I don’t truly believe in – fitness. Wellness – yes. What is now identified as “fitness”, NO.
I’ve grown tired of seeing women working out in bikini’s with curves that cannot be made by Momma Nature herself with headlines like “fit women can be curvy”.  I am cautious on how I present this material as this is a non-judgmental statement and yet people I adore may be offended by my statements.  That is not my intention.  It’s how women in “fitness” are being presented and what women are sculpting themselves into that worries my soul.
What it is is that I want more for us. I know we are worth just as we are, we don’t need anything else. We don’t need boobs, tinted eyelashes, laser treatments, botox… We just need to be okay with ourselves. We are damaging our souls by following this path.
And so in this 2012 adventure of mine I have created my way of participating in change. If you believe in something and it’s cause and fail to take action on it why bother thinking it? It’s just a random passing thought then….
I have stopped acting mindlessly and started living on purpose.  I am bringing myself into the moment as much as possible. I want to be present in my life, not just running on auto pilot. This is what 2012 stirred up in me, advanced action.
My tiny steps towards my ultimate destination weren’t effective. It’s time to take bigger ones. Drastic ones. Whatever comes of it is still one step further than where I am now and that is exactly what I am aiming for. Movement. Purposeful movement.
I know exactly what I want in my life. For myself, for my children.  This clarity is new for me. Maybe as I was in baby making mode and distracted by screaming colicky babies BUT whatever it is, I’m clear now.
I’m also so grateful for my hubby.  I feel like this really strengthened this past year.  He’s amazing.  I’ve known he was amazing for years but it’s easy to get distracted by what is happening in the house.  I’m making a greater effort to be just as focused on us as the kids.  It’s lead to a great year. What should be the seven year itch has been more like a  honeymooney year. It’s been awesome.
And last but not least, I’ve learned that the greatest gifts I have in my life need to know they are my greatest gifts regularly.  Anything can happen in any given moment that removes your ability to speak this truth for yourself.  We have the gift of today, let’s celebrate it.
2013…this seems so “spacey” ha ha.  Back to the Future was one of my favorite movies and this was beyond the future they traveled to ha ha!!

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Now only if I had a flying car………

Be well.

Mad luv

Happy New Year!!!

Workin’ from home…

Recently I’ve been fortunate enough to shift from an office based office, to a home based office.  It feels for lack of more profound sounding words, weird.  We’ve been trained to do things in certain periods of time.  For years routines have been drilled into us;  you must do this, arrive at this time, sit there for this amount of time.

I am an okay employee. I’m not their top producer, I lack that passion and drive that upper managers posses, but I’m not their worst employee. I’m personable, dependable, driven and focused. I’m just not passionate about the corporate side of life. I’m a people person, that’s it.

So being at home on company time is, well, weird.

I’m sitting here with bed head, hideous orange shorts and an incredibly unattractive yellow tank top. I have no shoes on,  I’ve done nothing with myself. I think I put deodorant on last night, but I’m not sure.

I’ve brushed my teeth ( but not my hair, I have very curly hair so to brush it would transform me into a white Diana Ross).  I can’t actually recall if I washed my face or not and I’m very well fed.

I’ve already accomplished the tasks I had laid out for myself today. It’s 11 AM.

Do I put more time in and diminish my seriously low-level productivity I’ve presented them for years? OR show I am capable of more in my home based office? Clearly not socializing has its benefits. I’m way too productive!

Most of my days I am scheduled into a training session. I run product or skill based corporate training either via Webex – an online classroom, or, face to face sessions.  I love my job.

I did not expect that at this phase of my life I would have this opportunity to work this way.  I feel so…relaxed.  I am no longer the fire-breathing dragon spazing all over my children as I have four milliseconds to get out the door to beat traffic to get to the office to log in on time.  I can just walk over and log in now while my coffee is brewing.

The down side, I don’t feel this sense of urgency with anything now really.  My manic go-go person had me doing everything as fast as humanly possible to get to the next objective. Now, no worries man….it’ll happen.

I’m gardening on my lunch hours.  I’m working out a few times / week.  I’m cutting the grass on lunch hour once a week. My weekends are so calm as I’m not rushing to get things done – they are done. I’ve been tackling them one by one daily during the week and suddenly – there’s a lot more time for Rum punch!

That said, I spend last week researching meditation and am starting to set aside time to meditate daily now. I want more. I want depth. I don’t just want to feel well or eat well, I want to BE well. All of me, including my soul.

I’m one week away from my 38th birthday and I feel so…peaceful. If this is the pace of the next chapter in my life – I love it. I can’t wait to see who I can grow into.  I’m starting to live my life on purpose and with this weird but awesome sense of self.

I can lift and push more than I thought I could in my workouts (still loving pressing more than some of the boys are and with proper form ha ha).  I’m at a fantastic place in my career. My kids are growing into amazing little people. I’m doing less of what has been instilled in me (the “you should”) and more of the living in the moment with the present me.

Bottom line, I’m realizing something. We have so much more power and control over our lives than we acknowledge. We control how things play out, we just have to play our cards smarter.  I’m playing strategically now, in my best interest.  I’ve realized, at long last, I’m worth it.

Courtesy of google

 

The Social Side of Parenting. Act 1, Scene 1 (as I suspect there will be many)

My kiddos had a play date that honestly made me want to stop having kids over. It was exhausting! Not because of play or anything like that, the kids were honestly good. It was the eating part.  Things have become so complicated!

Sure, sure, there’s always that kid who won’t eat anything. This was kiddos who eat processed foods who were visiting my whole foods only house. Yes, there are treats in the house that are not wholesome, but our main food is just that – food.  They ate nothing. I made macaroni and cheese for lunch, but it was home made cheese sauce. Our guests had never had this before. They both announced they only eat Kraft and refused. No problemo I thought, I will counter offer! I offered some cheese and crackers to play it safe (or so I thought).  I pulled my cheese (cheddar) block out and showed it to the girls. They rejected. The asked for cheese squares. I offered cheese blocks of cheddar (the traveler packs) that I thought were what they meant, they announced they only eat Kraft cheese slices.

I scanned my fridge and realized I had nothing Kraft (thought maybe grandma brought over Ranch dressing or something I could use as dip).  Once upon a time yes, I was a Kraft person, that was pre-kids and pre-IBS.  I decided to by-pass what would be normal go-to’s and offered fruit. They could select one of; watermelon,apples,bananas,pears,strawberries,raspberries,oranges, cantaloupe,pineapple or blue berries. It was the day after grocery shopping, my fridge was stacked! My kids love weekend’s for just that, a fridge stacked with fruit. The younger of the two told me she only eats fruit roll ups. The elder of the two told me she doesn’t like it – any of it.  They were scheduled to hang out for three more hours.

I was so exhausted when they left as a result of worrying that they had nothing to eat all day as they continued to refute my offerings that I’m not sure if it was worth it!! Is it polite to screen a kids eating habits before offering a lunch date?  I remember being a pain in the butt when friends parents made fish dishes ( I don’t do fish – I gag it down – even now and I’m 37) but there was always an agreeable alternative.

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I wish I had one of these, I’d sew it on my purse!

 

I think I will stick to my son having his little boy playmates over. They eat everything and just run around all day.

Girls, exhausting……

Lessons learned along the way.

Once upon a time this had such different purpose.  Maybe I was more passionate about it or maybe it was really just that I had that extra time or drive, but I feel rather lack luster about it in comparison this time around.

I’ve taken all the same steps, followed what proved once to be successful for me in terms of staying focused and tracking successes (and lessons).  This time around, it’s very different.  I care, I sense I do indeed have passion surrounding this subject, but not PASSION.

I’m okay with not always executing things as planned.

This is not like me, not at all like me.

What I am discovering about the evolving me is that I am perfectly okay with going with what feels like I should be doing in that moment.  Not being lazy, there is a difference.  I am not okay with not executing my workout plan to sit on my ars. Arses expand with lack of mobility, that’s not what we are talking about here. I am okay with missing my workout to play with the kids. I am okay with missing my workout to sit down and have an hour lunch break with my kids or my hubby or a good friend.  I find other ways to move around all the while maximizing on the moments I have, while I have them.

This does not lead to the physical results I have longed for in the time frame I longed for.

So here’s what else I have learned, who cares.  It’s falling off, an inch or half-inch at a time. It will continue to do so until there isn’t chunks o’ post baby making chub to rid myself of….but I’m really enjoying my life right now.  I haven’t felt this satisfied with my life before.

This is something much more meaningful.  I discovered this by accident while focusing on my workouts.  My very meaningful workouts have led to another chapter in my life. A satisfied one. One where in I feel like I am living on purpose. I am doing exactly what I should be doing in the moments I sense I should be doing them.  I’m seizing moments to socialize or network when I would normally isolate myself in the gym.  I’m walking outdoors more and taking in the fresh air vs walking on the treadmill.  I feel very connected, very alive.  Very full.  My relationships are deepening as I invest my time into them. I’m focusing on my studies, my personal growth.  I’m now working from home and able to use my time to create a new balance in my life. I feel so fortunate right now.  I am realizing just how truly fortunate I am.

I sit here reflecting on my day feeling full.

Here’s the thing I love most about working out. It always leads to a deeper connection with self.  Investing time in myself leads to this sense of self love that opens  me to a new level of appreciation.  I know what I am capable of, I know I am capable of more.  Every time I set a goal for myself in my workout and achieve it ( a specific weight or rep amount for example), I KNOW I can do MORE.  We limit ourselves with our minds and I am no exception.

I’m opening my mind to more and creating more for myself in my life.  This is my commitment to self. It reaches far beyond the gym floor.

Courtesy of Google

 

Monday motivation…..

Monday motivation.....

a LOT closer………

What once seemed so far away…is now!

What once seemed so far away...is now!

Crazy that I thought this was way off in the future once upon a time…….

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