A Swift conversion…

I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but it has. I’ve become a Swiftie. She had me with Shake it Off and then, well she went and topped herself. I find myself cranking “blank space” and belting out the tune even and especially when I’m alone in the car, that’s how I know I am indeed converted. Once upon a time I could say it was as the kiddos were in the car and requesting that the volume be raised. I’d sing along pretending it was just because they liked it.  Now, it’s all me. I love this song! The thoughts that stir up as I listen….holy moly batman.

It’s like the anthem of most crazy 20 something females. Oh sure we thought we were pure awesomesauce but in reality, totally insane! I was completely nuts. When I look back wearing my forty-year old lens I think “what a train wreck”! Weekend get-a-ways in Mexico thanks to a friend with a great perks working for the airline, parties that started Friday and ended Sunday, drugs, booze, sex and pure mental madness. I was in great company, we all thought alike, acted alike and went mad alike. Enablers allow each other to reach new extremes. We were all game and could have cared less what anyone else thought. It was our journey, why place limits on where it could take you? Thankfully this was pre-upload-images-for-every-step-taken days.  We lived in the dark ages where twelve or twenty-four pictures were the limit thereby making them sacred and taken only in “special” moments. Thank goodness for those times, can you imagine what it would be like to see images online of your insane / completely whacko self all these years later? Escaped that pile of evidence, phew!

Most of my “relationships” were based on pure madness. Impulsive moments that would never have otherwise happened if I saw myself differently. I feel like I lived an alternate reality, but nope, that was me. I loved to laugh and was desperate for love. The combination made me insane and fearless.

When I hear the chorus of Swiftie’s tune I think wow, this would have been my anthem lol. I distinctly remember the days of cranking athem-ish tunes like these on my bad-ass cassette deck in my Honda Civic hatch back….

I’ve taken a liking to this lady. The video – most entertaining ….Tell me, has she won you over too?

taylor_swift_blank_space_

You have Cancer, maybe, nope …what?….!

Sometimes it feels like there are no words to describe how something went down, but then as I sit here there are so many words competing to make it to this page.  Regardless of all of the intelligent possible openers the only way to start is to say Holy Shit Batman, that was a f’n emotional ride!!!

To make the back story as minimal as possible I will cut right to the chase. For just about twenty years now I have had digestive issues. I call it “tap ass syndrome” <<warning – some may find the following gross>> meaning the liquid shyte comes out as fast as water from a tap.  Medical folks call it IBS.  I have had multiple colonoscopies, endoscopies, CT scans and ultra sounds over the years. I’ve taken foods out and brought others in.  Gone on meds, off meds. Still the same result – tap ass.  It makes face to face business encounters and social eating events stressful at times but for the most part I’ve learned to manage my issue. That said, sometimes it gets in the way of everything.  Be it cramps or shooting pains or bloating like I am nearing my third trimester there are times I become, as my mum would say, utterly useless… Two weeks ago I was in agony. I could feel my insides aching and every now and then it got so intense the feeling shot down my right leg.  I woke up the Friday morning and knew something was wrong and I took myself to the urgent care centre nearby.

There are times I could complain about an emergency room encounter, however, this was not one of them. Within three hours I had been assessed, blood and urine tests completed and had a CT scan.  It was amazing. That would have taken me about half a year to acquire via my family doctor. As an example, I saw my family doctor in July and she referred me to another gastro specialist. My appointment is December 18th….

After the CT scan, however, felt like forever. You haven’t changed in the way you feel but now you don’t get to lie down. You are sitting there on a hard chair against a wall (near the clean linen rack) rammed beside others also waiting on their findings.  Usually when you are waiting in the ER they just blurt your results out for all to hear (sometimes you feel like a dumb-ass like when they tell you its just a sprain vs a break or to put polysporin on it… ) In this case, I was called away to get my results. That doesn’t happen. I also wasn’t the next in what would be the sequence we went in. Up to that point everyone pretty much got them in order of who had gone in for their scan. I was about six people away from what should have been my turn when he called me to join him down the hall.  He spoke so softly saying they found something serious. I needed to have further exploration and so I would be hearing within a day from a gastro specialist who would perform a colonoscopy immediately.  I remember staring at his glasses and listening to him say something about how I am too young for colon cancer but it was important it be addressed right away…. He then shuffled me back to where I’d just been sitting to wait for paperwork.

I felt like everyone was staring at me. They weren’t , they were inside their own heads wondering what he could have said to me, what that could mean for their results. I know my face would have revealed what I was feeling. I was shocked.  Forty has meant cancer for people I care about. Some of them are not here anymore after dying horrible cancer deaths and so using that word just as I turned forty meant it could be real…  and of all cancers it had to be my ass. If you knew some of my relatives you would know that even if it were terminal, there would be ass jokes….it’s one of they many things I love about them.

CT Scan Results

CT Scan Results

Fast forward a few days and I had my colonoscopy. I was awake this time. Not my favorite – I prefer completely unconscious with no view of my colon. One, you can feel it. Two, you can see it. I watched my colon on the screen. I think she said twenty five feet were viewed but I was on drugs, it’s a blur. Why they share so much with you when you are whacked out watching your freakishly long colon is beyond me.

Long story short – diverticulosos perhaps? I have inflammation, spasms and another label but NOT cancer. NO CANCER. Who cares about the rest? For days this was what was wearing me down…what if… what then? Everything else is manageable.

So what then does this really all mean? A wonderful woman said to me this morning that “digestive issues reflect one’s inability to digest something in their life right now.”  She knows me well.  It’s so true.

I’ve been thinking about this for days. I’ve been given this gift of time to heal right now and I’m focusing on more than just my gut.  I am making significant changes in my life.

Basically, I am claiming back my life.

I’ve spent the last few years working towards several goals and I achieved all of them. I also opened and small coaching practice which I run in addition to my full time position. I have been fortunate to connect with some amazing clients. The past few days I realized how much I have enjoyed this, and, that I do not want to continue. Although it is very rewarding work I want those hours back in my personal life. I work early mornings or evenings with my clients and although it has benefited my career, my finances, my ability to provide for my family – I’m closing my “office” doors.  I am fortunate that I love what I do by day and I am able to use all of my learning/development.  It’s either or and so I’m choosing to put the pause button on this one and to shift my time.

I want to play more. I want to take more half days off, take the kids out of school and go play together.  I want to go on more of their school trips and not feel guilty about what I’ve left behind for a day at work. It’s one day. It’s time to end all of the little stories I tell myself about why I just can’t…. yes…. I can.

I want to make the time to create the foods I need to nurture and heal myself. It’s easy to do when I am not working, it’s hard to do when I am. I want to create a better balance. Tying into this, I also need to give myself more credit for what I do accomplish. I am a driven person and I always see potential to grow / maximize / enhance.  We rarely eat anything from a box or can or picked up/out….we make fresh meals three times a day.  I have to remember to be kind to myself about what I am achieving versus the one thing I did not. Negative self talk leads to an angry ass – completely avoidable by choosing another way. I do not have to put this kind of pressure on myself.

I need to pause and ask myself if the action I am taking is one of self – love or not.  In every sense. Money cannot buy this time back. Yes it can buy awesome things like Jamaica trips and a new pool in the backyard BUT I’ve been pushing myself this way for three years and clearly my ass cannot handle it. Your body will always reveal the truth about how it has been cared for.  The key is to create a platform that, in every sense, creates a balanced life.

Sitting here now with days between all that happened what amazes me is what came to mind when I was worried about having to deal with something that could compromise my life. We are constantly reminded, sometimes a little more bluntly than other times, of all we have in our lives. When we forget or let things get in the way the universe reminds us. I’ve clearly not been paying attention and so this time it took more of a screaming effort vs a gentle nudge. It’s up to me to make this lesson stick…this one is worth it.

Be well.

N.

40. t-minus 4 months to go….

What I am about to say may horrify the male reader. IF you need to believe your woman will never grow chin hairs or experience funky biological changes, turn away now. N.O.W. This is a bitch fest venting post about turning forty and depending on what you need to believe, you may or may not want to read on….

And now he’s saying “whaaaa?” What the hell is this woman crabbing about? Apparently, today, EvErYtHiNg. somethign else I am discovering. Having your monthly does mean turning psycho. Something new, something unfamiliar, something common amoungst the ladies I know turning 40….

What is up with this? Suddenly in one moment I am happy, laughing away at the humorous side of life. The next, fire balls are shooting out of my eyeballs followed by a blast of hot air that is my opinion on everything unfolding in that moment. I feel how ridiculous I am but i will NOT accept defeat in that moment. Fire, spew of hot air, smoke in thy face – you shall feel my wrath and shut it~!!! W.T.F??? Who am i? Who is this dragon bursting out of me every 21-28 days?

I cannot even pretend it’s all fire balls. Sometimes it’s tears. Tears over EvErYtHiNg. A commercial, The Voice, A news piece… I go from one extreme to the other. What’s worse, it’s always at “my time of the month”. Once upon a time my husband joked “all chicks are crazy”. I hate I am proving his hyposthesis correct…but apparently it is correct. The more people I talk to the more I realize we are all changing, stressed, somewhat insane and hilarious all at the same time. How do we stand one another in this time of change?

Mother Nature does play fair. She shoots random hairs out of random places of people’s body as they age but it’s BOTH sexes that undergoe funkiness..many just choose to only acknowledge the ladies. I say F that!!! Let’s play with the men the same way. I call you on your random ear hair, go ahead and call me on my chin ! I see moobs and random back hairs that match new mustaches and changes in the way our bodies look. 

When I weight this against some of what was at 20 I think you know, this isn’t so bad. Try to remember how insane you were at twenty… would you really want to go back?

I may be insane a few days of the month (which I will deny admitting to as my husband does nothing online 😉   ) but overall, this is a pretty amazing time in life. There’s no second guessing anything now. It’s more of a F you if you don’t agree and I’ve already moved on m’ther f’er (said in a Samual Jackson kind of tone) attidude that is ruling the beginning of this next chapter in my life. That never would have happened twenty years ago. I went from lost to found.

How about you?
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I had aunts with hairy moles that freaked me out as a child. My fear, karma is shooting random chin hairs out now for my previous  judgements….

Where did that Irie feeling go mon?

I admit it. I’m writing this hiding in my office praying for ten minutes to de-spaz.  Just a few days ago I was calm, relaxed, totally irie mon. Now, I’m shooting fire out my nostrils and forcing myself to stop and breathe. This is how busy life was before I left and it seemed okay, what’s up with the short fuse now?

My mother in law ran away when we returned from the airport. A few quick updates, you know – oops crashed the van, some issues at school and my youngest turned out to be wilder than previously imagined and then “okay see you!”, she was out. I somehow managed not to froth or be upset in any way, I understand what she was juggling at the age of almost 74. I am 39 and I get tired and want to run ha ha! Besides, I don’t like the van and am now hoping it’s close enough to total the thing. C’mon new car!

This week, albeit two days in only, has me firing off fireballs over everything. Un-eaten lunches, toilets with gifts left quite some time prior, toothpaste gobs in the sink – all have me smoking. It’s like I was never irie at all mon, which has me completely pissed off!

OH MY LORD…all the Lords actually, someone swoop in and paint me a different picture. I don’t like all this work right now. What was I thinking? I also received confirmation I am registered for the early date to attempt certification for a program I am a candidate within and it’s eight weeks away. HAVEN’T TOUCHED the material. For some reason I thought unicorns and rainbows would be waiting for me when I returned from the turning 40/overdue honeymoon/ ten years together as a couple retreat. The signals got crossed, I can’t find a unicorn and there’s no sun to make any rainbows. Where is the Caribbean Sea? What happened to the steel drums? White sand???
unicorns

Maybe that’s why I am pissy – seven days of sun followed by two days of darkness and freezingness ( even the tank less hot water tank froze – WTH?) has me pissy and blowing smoke.

Whatever it is, whatever the cause my timing is (ahem as per usual when I think these thoughts) off. I had thought I’d quit wine for a while post booze-indulgent vacation. So not going to happen, in fact I should probably stop writing and go fire my hubby a “LCBO” text. He knows what that code means……

Anyone else suffering post vacation blues / reality is sucking / where oh where is the sun blues?

Holy Cow Batman…

It’s been a while! The notice of the renewal receipt came in and I thought when was the last time I wrote in there? Apparently last June. Crazy.

That pretty much sums life lately – CrAzY.  All the liars who said going from two kids to three was no big deal – not nice! Not nice to mislead innocent people who have no idea how their world will shift.  It was okay when the youngest didn’t move much. Now – she’s into everything. She’s fearless and tireless, which exhausts me. Combine that with two older kiddos who are creating lives for themselves and there is a lot less downtime. Truthfully, when it does present itself, it’s immediately met with a bottle of wine.

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It’s like a mini celebration every day that I survived at wine time. I pulled it off and no one was harmed in the process. If they were it means after fixing said situation, extra wine that night for getting a gold star in mommy duty. I’m noticing a shift in how this chapter in my life is being experienced. To summarize it – le pooped!

My hubby and I sit side by side on the couch, in front of a fire, staring like zombies at the TV (which sometimes includes stories about zombies).  Sometimes we play scrabble or cards, but that can hurt the brain sometimes. By the time we’ve managed to sit down we are fried. Exhausted. I don’t even know why he’s so tired, I did almost everything! (I can see his eyes rolling right now ha ha)There’s always one spouse in the relationship who, for lack of more polished words, gets the shaft in the home front duties. The hubby works 13-14 hour days. Sure that’s long and hard and blah blah. I cram an 8.5 hour day into 5 hours so that I can pick up the kids from school – tend to them and my work. I then make dinner, do homework, bathe them, practice piano, spaz on them for not eating their lunch, spaz a few more times over fighting/not listening/goofing around at dinner after you were cooking for an hour… you know what I am talking about if you have kids. It’s when all of the hairy stuff between getting home from school and relaxing in one’s own room before bedtime is achieved that he comes home. It’s all rainbows and unicorns then. He has no idea why my hair is as big as Diana Rosses and why I have smoke wafting out of my ears. 

It’s the insanity of being a working parent. I have moments I love. They make everything else worth while but in the meantime, I am so pleased to have been reminded I have a space to just release this shit out and be free! I feel so much lighter already and I really didn’t talk about anything….

There are certain things in your life you can’t put words to in terms of explaining how it makes you feel. There’s always been something about writing for me…regardless of the subject or cause or purpose. Random words on a page still had purpose, even if only to me.

With a big smile on my face I’m going to flip into reading mode. There are some incredible talented people sharing some of themselves via their written word. I’m looking forward to seeing what it is they had to say…it’s been way too long.

What are some of the blogs you are enjoying following right now?

 

To be online or not to be online….

I’ve been struggling with the volume of screen time I’ve been taking as of late. I have actually caught myself ignoring live  beings to read a few news headlines or status updates. It’s so rude, I don’t tolerate it of others and yet this is exactly what I’ve been doing. Not all the time, but I caught myself today in lieu of playing with my kiddos responding to a non-urgent or relevant text. It was just joking around with a friend and I think I should have picked up the phone to chat live vs just fired off an awesomely witty one liner ( i was quite creative if I do say so myself ha ha).  I am constantly talking about being present, committing to the people in front of you. There were my kiddos waiting for me…and I was texting.

Ultimate hypocrite, that’s my deserved title.

That said, I am working on it! Tomorrow is Sunday and I’ve promised my kiddos, spouse and self that there will be no cell phones, no emails, no anything electronic. We may have a family wii battle – but that’s about it.  We have sunny skies with warm weather in the forecast, there is no reason to be indoors or online.

So why am I so freaked about being offline?

I tell my clients to log off and go play, I’m overdue in consistently taking my own advice.

GOPLAY

How much time do you commit to being offline / week?

Cookin’ with Kids

I have clients who comment about my ability to juggle the work do, the kiddos, my practice, my hubby (aka fourth child) and my obsessive compulsive need to prepare all our food myself etc. The usual question being “how do you do it?”. There’s no magic trick over here and I don’t have any quick fix solutions. It’s not easy peasy all the time BUT when something is important to you, you just make it work.
I could either snap and become the spazy frothy fire breathing villian in the kitchen (I say this from experience – I scare myself ha ha!), OR I could crack open a bottle of wine and find something to laugh about ( my usual way of handling said moments).
A few moments after this was taken the cheese sauce hit the table and my reward of three quiet kids inhaling dinner began.
At least it’s Friday. This means for two days I can pass this job off to my hubby…wahoo. Love the weekends!!
Happy Friday!
Be well.

A game changer…

Clearly I am leaning towards more the of the sucking side in terms of having lived up to my promise to self to blog more.

I made a few such promises to myself. One being blogging, I do love writing. The second being exploring different ways of working out. I’ve grown away from the gym environment lately.  I love weight training, I’m just not digging the gym itself.  And so I have been. It’s been fun. My third, my game changer is this:

Play More

 

Two simple words have changed the way I am experiencing my life.

I am really enjoying my time. I’m relaxing on things that used to make me uptight ( laundry) and just giving myself permission to take time out and play. The kids and I have ” wii battles”.  They may be six and seven but they are fair game when it comes to wii!

We’ve been enjoying board games or just playing outside in the snow. Regardless of what I’m ignoring in order to create time to do this, I’m really happy right now. I know in a blink of an eye these moments will pass. I see my eldest already wanting more time with her friends vs her amazingly cool mom.  It’s going to happen and there isn’t much I can do about that. That said, there is much about what I can do now. And so I am, one playful moment at a time.

I’m really grateful I took the time out to write for myself today. That said, I’m anxious to log off and get back to playing. Just writing about it confirms that this new motto is changing the way I feel about my life. I’m experiencing it, not just navigating through it.  This is new for me. It’s my new norm…I’m absolutely loving it.

Log off time!

Wishing you a wonderful and playful day,

N.

2012

When I sit here and think about last year, what an adventure!

It started off amazingly. We took our first ever family vacation to Disney in Florida. Awesome.

Shortly after we returned we discovered my hubby has cancer. Skin cancer. The same as his father who passed away from cancer.  Not so awesome.

My colicky baby finally stopped screaming – THANK THE LORD – ALL LORDS!

I returned to work post mat leave – semi awesome depending on what’s happening. I miss being at home focused on only the kiddos.

I began and completed my courses for coaching.

I opened my practice and began certifying myself as a coach.

I discovered something about myself. I’ve been struggling with what it is I wanted out of my workouts/my physical self. I’ve previously always had specific image related/strength related goals. I can sculp myself into what I choose, but the results weren’t coming. My effort inconsistent  I realized it isn’t really my goal anymore. I don’t care about that, I see through it. I recognize the behavior and mindsets within myself that are damaging. Not just to me, but to my children, society at large. I am participating in something I don’t truly believe in – fitness. Wellness – yes. What is now identified as “fitness”, NO.
I’ve grown tired of seeing women working out in bikini’s with curves that cannot be made by Momma Nature herself with headlines like “fit women can be curvy”.  I am cautious on how I present this material as this is a non-judgmental statement and yet people I adore may be offended by my statements.  That is not my intention.  It’s how women in “fitness” are being presented and what women are sculpting themselves into that worries my soul.
What it is is that I want more for us. I know we are worth just as we are, we don’t need anything else. We don’t need boobs, tinted eyelashes, laser treatments, botox… We just need to be okay with ourselves. We are damaging our souls by following this path.
And so in this 2012 adventure of mine I have created my way of participating in change. If you believe in something and it’s cause and fail to take action on it why bother thinking it? It’s just a random passing thought then….
I have stopped acting mindlessly and started living on purpose.  I am bringing myself into the moment as much as possible. I want to be present in my life, not just running on auto pilot. This is what 2012 stirred up in me, advanced action.
My tiny steps towards my ultimate destination weren’t effective. It’s time to take bigger ones. Drastic ones. Whatever comes of it is still one step further than where I am now and that is exactly what I am aiming for. Movement. Purposeful movement.
I know exactly what I want in my life. For myself, for my children.  This clarity is new for me. Maybe as I was in baby making mode and distracted by screaming colicky babies BUT whatever it is, I’m clear now.
I’m also so grateful for my hubby.  I feel like this really strengthened this past year.  He’s amazing.  I’ve known he was amazing for years but it’s easy to get distracted by what is happening in the house.  I’m making a greater effort to be just as focused on us as the kids.  It’s lead to a great year. What should be the seven year itch has been more like a  honeymooney year. It’s been awesome.
And last but not least, I’ve learned that the greatest gifts I have in my life need to know they are my greatest gifts regularly.  Anything can happen in any given moment that removes your ability to speak this truth for yourself.  We have the gift of today, let’s celebrate it.
2013…this seems so “spacey” ha ha.  Back to the Future was one of my favorite movies and this was beyond the future they traveled to ha ha!!

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Now only if I had a flying car………

Be well.

Mad luv

Happy New Year!!!

Hitting the juice…

Life has been an adventure as of late. When I think of this past year and all that has been….. well, it’s led to a lot of wine ha ha. 

October is proving to be no less eventful than all previous months. We are ten days in and five of them were spent in hospital with my 18 month old.  She’s on the mend and back at home now. So grateful!!!

Now that my little monkey and I are back at home, it’s back to my need to address something I’ve been avoiding. 

I have had IBS for just over fifteen years now. Sometimes it is a non-issue. Other times, like lately, it’s impacted my over all well being. I’m a digestive disaster. The foods I rely on for weight management are becoming a problem. I’m shooting some of what I’m eating out within the hour.

I’m in the gym when I can, moving myself as much as possible, eating healthy foods and yet it’s all in vain. When you pass it out that quick there’s little of the health benefit being utilized by the body. Some staples in my diet are actually proving more of an issue than others. Like salads. The thirty minutes of enjoyment isn’t worth the torture that follows. Same goes with pretty much everything raw. 

So, in order to get the results I am seeking, I’m trying different things. An example, juicing!

I have researched ways to heal my condition using food. I’m not a pill popper and so I’m not really interested in my Dr’s prescription. It doesn’t address the problem, just temporarily disguises it.

One major life shift is to add green juice to the daily do (the thought being remove the pulp that interferes with my digestion and maximize on the enzymes and nutrients).  My uncle was an obsessed juicer while he fought Pancreatic Cancer. I admit I didn’t jump at the chance to partake despite his many attempts. It was very, well, green looking.

Now, a year later, here I am, a green juice consumer. It tastes like I am licking the front lawn BUT I feel amazing. 

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Wheat grass, kale, spinach, parsley, celery, cucumber….
I’ve learned a few tricks to lesson the foam from the grass since this pic 🙂

In addition to this I’ve also taken out red meat ( NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO), started eating Fish. I’m still working on the fish part….and am seriously mourning the absence of beef.

In the meantime it’s just nice to be home. Our Thanksgiving was full of thanks for amazing pediatric nurses, family/friends and good food (hospital food sucks! ).

I hope that those that were celebrating also enjoyed the opportunity to give thanks to those they love. It’s not just a one time event, take time every day to celebrate those you love. You never know when the moment may come wherein you wish you had ceased moments before…

Be well,

N.

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